Saturday, August 6, 2016

Grief-An Onslaught Unexpected

This morning, we were listening to a song from the 80's entitled "Voices Carry". I had always known it was about a relationship that was unhealthy and the singer (Aimee Mann) was desperately unhappy. Today, i realized just how abusive they portrayed her BF and how her song was so very sad. I realized the song came out before my daughter was born. One seldom got to hear the last line "Why can't he just let me go?" due to the fade-out on the radio. This time hearing it, brought up a surge of sadness and loss that I had not realized I had never dealt with regarding what my daughter experienced in high school. So, on the way to Costco, I started to cry, and CRY and CCCRRRYYY!!! Deep heaving sobs. The kind of deep grieving one rarely experiences. I guess it was time to deal with the fact that that b*%&#* destroyed my daughter. I expressed that and that I hoped that f-er burned in hell for what he did to her. She won't disclose everything, but it was devastating to her life, and she even carries the pain today. She is crippled with unexpressed anger and such deep lack of self identity. Even now, i feel so very sad for her. As I sobbed, a tiny voice in my head said "this is it. There, There. Yes.". It seems to me as if Father took me there and told me what was happening and that it was ok. Grief needs to have its day. Even if it's over 8 years ago. I am grateful that David was with me. Of all people, he understands. He was there. And he knows me. I made this request of God a long time ago that if he took me to grief (and who does not need to go there at some point in their life?), that it would not be while I was driving. He's so good, because I was not driving. I'm grateful that Jesus came to set free from shame and sin the darkest part of us that we don't want to admit we are/have. We had mentioned that this morning. And I remembered that. In fact, when I blurted out the deep grief and anger with the foul language, that this is who Jesus died and rose again for. My dark angry foul mouthed self. In the parking lot, as it slowly faded into a dull pain, we talked about it and that there were things we could have done that might have made things different. And we realized that this may be so, but we didn't and God isn't beating us up over that and he can redeem our mistakes. This kid was a sociopath before we even knew what a sociopath is. He's unsurprisingly in prison now, she has come to find out. She still panics when she thinks she sees someone that looks like him. And she's the angriest, most confused person I know. I know there's still momma bear anger in me. Yet I will, with God's help, choose to forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but be cause I deserve the freedom, and so does my daughter and my husband. I think we have forgiven ourselves for not doing more to prevent this. My daughter assures me if we had intervened she would have run off or he would have made good on his threats to hurt us. Douche bag. I guess I am in the anger phase. >irony< I'm curious to see what, if anything, will change in me as I walk forward. Will my physical issues subside (at least some)? It is known that unexpressed grief can cause a plethora of issues withing the emotions, psyche and body. What are the spiritual ramifications of what happened today? There is much to learn. This is just now realized is, that a Chaplain needs to have a decent handle on their own sources of grief in order to be able to serve without being hampered by it. I simply will have to trust that God's got this, as he has everything else. Yet, I'll still be internally watchful to see any changes.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Musings on the Holy Spirit

Amazing, right? I'm actually blogging! It's been far too long. I'm a little rusty, bear with me!

In reading Galatians today, I came across a scripture that jumped off the page and arrested my thoughts. In Galatians 4:6 "And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying "Abba! Father!" ESV

I've always has a teeny tiny question floating somewhere tucked away in my mind that wondered about this. There are so many Believers that feel that the Holy Spirit comes upon salvation and there are probably and equal amount that insist that the Holy Spirit only comes when we allow Him to come and dwell.

It occurs to me that perhaps both parties are correct. It's like typing. You can either type in a normal fashion, or you can go an extra step and bold your words.

I believe that a measure of the Holy Spirit comes to reside in us at the event of our salvation. But we can go an extra step and allow ourselves to yield to the Holy Spirit for more of Him. What God can do through us is far beyond our human minds, anchored in the natural (the here & now) can grasp or visualize. We must give total control of our will and our bodies to the Holy Spirit. And that can be difficult to do for the first time. But to walk fully in the Spirit and all that God has for us, it is necessary. As Euro/Americans, that is difficult because we are initially trained to not cause what others might call a disturbance. And we are driven in this day and age to understand and comprehend everything. Not so with the Holy Spirit at times.

There is so much that Jesus said we would be able to do as Believers. But we have to get out of the way and allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. That means to yield to Him. Let Him make noise through us. Trust in what He is doing through us, even if we cannot understand what and why.

I'll leave the rest of the musing to you.

Thanks for reading. May you be blessed in all that the Lord wants for you!

Monday, March 28, 2011

My How Things Have Not Changed

It's been almost a year since I last posted. What a shame. I was on the verge of becoming somewhat prolific. I don't know why I stopped. Perhaps I ran out of stuff to say. Perhaps what I wanted to blog on was too sensitive for my readers. Perhaps it's because my boss told me to stop "blogging" on my Newsletter emails. Probably all 3.

But I feel it's time to take this up again. How can I reach people if I can not sit down and organize my thoughts? How can I lead, if I'm not sure where I'm going or how I'm going to get wherever it is?

It's already late and Abby wants the chair. Until next time. . .

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Working Through Some Issues-pretty long

I wish I had more going on inside these days. I think the past year-and-then-some has taken a toll on my spirits. There are days I wish I could take some anti-depressants, knowing that depression is a side effect of both of the anti-rejection drugs I must take. Problem is that then David would have to take them too, due to unfortunate and equally depressing side effects. I want more out if life, but I feel like my time is unnaturally shortened due to the transplant. Now many of you will shoot back that the transplant extended my life; and that is so very correct. But the longer I go, the closer I feel to the end; and I know I want so much more! I feel like I'm just getting started, not 12+ years out. I'm not at that point of being able to just surrender that all to God and be joyful in whatever comes my way.

It's pretty cool to know that I no longer need my pacemaker and that the atrial lead is no longer functioning-even turned off. BUT. . .If I ever need that puppy, putting in a new one will be of great risk and complication. That scares the snot out of me. Just goes to show you the lengths God will go to get us completely dependant on Him. He removes our stabilizers; our crutches; our external support; our sources of supply of Man. All we are left with is the choice to lean on Him and not ourselves or our medical technology. Or whatever mode Man is leaning on. It's a good place, once you get used to it. I'm not there yet.

I am convinced that NOTHING can happen to us without it first being approved by the Father. I know I need to rejoice that all that comes my way has been filtered through His love and that I am safe. Again, I'm not there yet. It's harded than anyone can imagine to have to trust God with your very existance. Easy to talk about it. Harder when you really have to confront it. How does one rejoice when faced with death far too young. How does one face death without fear when death may come when you're trying so hard to survive and you have so much yet to do. Walt Whitman once wrote: "Do not go gently into that goodnight." I'm afraid I may go kicking & screaming, even though intellectually I know that Jesus is waiting for me on the other side.

I guess this is why I've lost the ability to find life in my Bible, I am struggling mightily (but not successfully) with prayer. I'm not ready to face all this. And everything else seems so small. I'm probably hiding from God. Silly, I know. It didn't work with Jonah and it's not working for me, either. I am hoping the fish barfs me out soon so I can get on with my life. Until then, I'll put one foot in front of the other in the hope that there is an ending to this valley of the shadow.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for prayers. I just heard my dryer beep. It's time to snap out of it.

Blessings of peace and joy to you!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Newsletter Email I Sent Out For Christ the Redeemer

Well, here we are. Just a few days from Palm Sunday. Christ’s entry into Jerusalem. Isn’t human nature interesting? We acclaim God and bless him and praise him when things are going well and when we’ve seen a victorious event. But when things don’t turn out the way we expected or we get hurt, or God doesn’t come through for us the way we expected him to, we turn on him in our hearts and we blame him for the bad stuff and we think he is ineffective or maybe just doesn’t give a care for us. Why are we so quick to turn on the One who loves us so, just because we don’t understand what is going on and we’re hurting? I think the challenge Jesus laid before us is to let go of our thoughts and plans and agendas and simply put our trust in him no matter what happens.

The people turn on Jesus when he didn’t perform a political takeover like they wanted him to. They forgot about the miracles of healing and provision, and the dead raised and the teaching wisdom he had. He showed us how to live. Later, he showed us how to surrender all our will and desires to God in the garden of Gethsemane. Sure, Jesus suffered terribly and died. But even hanging on the Cross, he gave his trust to God. “Into your hands I commit my spirit.” Yep, absolute complete trust.

I don’t even know why I started on this line of thinking. Perhaps because of personal, present experience walking a path that requires complete trust in God. And it’s completely impossible without his help. Jesus has already walked a dark path. He promised to be with us in ALL things. When it gets dark for us, we can trust him because he’s already been through the darkness and will be guiding us through to the other side. We can remember his goodness and passionate love for us. Each and every one of us who belong to him. I guess I just need to trust him even if it hurts and when things don’t go the way I would have them go. With his help, I will!
I sent this when I sent everyone on the distribution list the weekly newsletter. I rather like it. The weekly newsletter email inspired me to start blogging. As you can see, there's a lot for me to say.
Anyway, that's my heart for today.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Wonder What This All Means for Medicare Recipients

So now that the government of the socialist democrats has forced the national healt bill down our collective throats and made us have something that as a majority we DO NOT WANT I have to wonder what will become of Medicare recipients and those of us who have ongoing catastrophic medical needs?

I am very afraid for this country.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Mother's Alone Time Quandary

I am here alone.Something that is rare, even though my girl is 20. And I find myself feeling like I'm wasting my time. It's funny how we moms crave alone time but then when we get it we don't know what to do.

I did buy some potstickers for dinner, and I have NCIS on (perfect day for a marathon), but I still feel like a ghost in my own home. I probably need a social life that isn't paid for by my health insurance or Medicare.

But really, moms are funny that way. We get what we want, but we don't know what to do with it. But I'll take the quandary any day!

I do hope Rebecca gets home safely and at a reasonable hour. David will be home after work, around 10:30. No wonder we don't have a social life. His work just will not allow him to. I always wonder what it's like to have a family with normal hours, where the husband has a Mon-Fri 9-5 job.

That's my heart tonight. Let's have a blessed day tomorrow and we can all remember why we are here. For the One who gave us our families with all their warts and strange work hours. Thanks Papa!