Saturday, August 6, 2016

Grief-An Onslaught Unexpected

This morning, we were listening to a song from the 80's entitled "Voices Carry". I had always known it was about a relationship that was unhealthy and the singer (Aimee Mann) was desperately unhappy. Today, i realized just how abusive they portrayed her BF and how her song was so very sad. I realized the song came out before my daughter was born. One seldom got to hear the last line "Why can't he just let me go?" due to the fade-out on the radio. This time hearing it, brought up a surge of sadness and loss that I had not realized I had never dealt with regarding what my daughter experienced in high school. So, on the way to Costco, I started to cry, and CRY and CCCRRRYYY!!! Deep heaving sobs. The kind of deep grieving one rarely experiences. I guess it was time to deal with the fact that that b*%&#* destroyed my daughter. I expressed that and that I hoped that f-er burned in hell for what he did to her. She won't disclose everything, but it was devastating to her life, and she even carries the pain today. She is crippled with unexpressed anger and such deep lack of self identity. Even now, i feel so very sad for her. As I sobbed, a tiny voice in my head said "this is it. There, There. Yes.". It seems to me as if Father took me there and told me what was happening and that it was ok. Grief needs to have its day. Even if it's over 8 years ago. I am grateful that David was with me. Of all people, he understands. He was there. And he knows me. I made this request of God a long time ago that if he took me to grief (and who does not need to go there at some point in their life?), that it would not be while I was driving. He's so good, because I was not driving. I'm grateful that Jesus came to set free from shame and sin the darkest part of us that we don't want to admit we are/have. We had mentioned that this morning. And I remembered that. In fact, when I blurted out the deep grief and anger with the foul language, that this is who Jesus died and rose again for. My dark angry foul mouthed self. In the parking lot, as it slowly faded into a dull pain, we talked about it and that there were things we could have done that might have made things different. And we realized that this may be so, but we didn't and God isn't beating us up over that and he can redeem our mistakes. This kid was a sociopath before we even knew what a sociopath is. He's unsurprisingly in prison now, she has come to find out. She still panics when she thinks she sees someone that looks like him. And she's the angriest, most confused person I know. I know there's still momma bear anger in me. Yet I will, with God's help, choose to forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but be cause I deserve the freedom, and so does my daughter and my husband. I think we have forgiven ourselves for not doing more to prevent this. My daughter assures me if we had intervened she would have run off or he would have made good on his threats to hurt us. Douche bag. I guess I am in the anger phase. >irony< I'm curious to see what, if anything, will change in me as I walk forward. Will my physical issues subside (at least some)? It is known that unexpressed grief can cause a plethora of issues withing the emotions, psyche and body. What are the spiritual ramifications of what happened today? There is much to learn. This is just now realized is, that a Chaplain needs to have a decent handle on their own sources of grief in order to be able to serve without being hampered by it. I simply will have to trust that God's got this, as he has everything else. Yet, I'll still be internally watchful to see any changes.

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